Sometimes, there is nothing more satisfying than window-shopping for things we will never buy. How many times have we stared in awe at the window of a prestigious boutique, like a kid in front of a candy store, despite knowing we’ll never enter the realm beyond those automatic glass doors?
I present to you the 11 of the most absurdly expensive shoes you can (and should) buy right now. Naturally, I’m leaving bespoke options out of the list, and I’ve limited the number of exotic leathers – because they are the equivalent of adding truffle to a dish and they always make it to the top of the “most expensive” lists. Sneakers are out too, because there are just too many rappers competing for who wears the most ridiculously overpriced kicks.
This is just a treat for the eye, as I’m ready to bet none of you reading this article could put together such a sybaritic footwear collection. If by any chance there is a spendthrift among you who can, please consider donating 1% of your shoe expenditure to a girl who’s been saving for her first Chanel bag.
Enough with the idle chatter. Let’s get to it!
It’s hard to say no to shoes that bring up memories of your maternal grandmother and her antediluvian cane chairs. Lucky you! There are plenty of sizes left.
PAOLO SCAFORA MERGELLINA IN AMALFI CALF $1175
“There is something special about a pair of Norwegian Split Toes,” says the description of the shoes – “and it’s not that they resemble a vagina,” I might add. You’re also walking on what seems to be a royal emblem, probably borrowed from some fallen Neapolitan aristocratic family. Cool, isn’t it?
STEFANO BEMER MONK STRAP SHOES $1205
A little over a grand will buy you these classic monk straps from Stefano Bemer, the leather of which shines brighter than your future.
GAZIANO & GIRLING SINATRA WHOLE CUT SHOES $1420
Gaziano & Girling brag about having just a handful of people working painstakingly at their workshop in Northampton, but I bet in reality they employ Santa’s little helpers for 11 months a year, and that’s the reason why you’ll never get this pair of shoes for Christmas, even if you keep asking.
EDWARD GREEN GALWAY CAP TO SUEDE BOOTS $1570
393 Big Macs; 78 manicures; 6 years of membership at Planet Fitness. If you can give up all this, you’ll have enough cash to bring home these handsome English-made boots by Styleforum favorite Edward Green.
GUCCI DONALD DUCK BOOTS WITH APPLIQUÈS $1790
If you’ve been dreaming of Donald Duck embroideries and feline heads appliqués on your footwear, you can breathe a sigh of relief, as Alessandro Michele for Gucci just made your dreams real.
JOHN LOBB ALDER LACE-UP BOOTS $1815
Okay, perhaps they’re not exactly what we would call a staple color, but you can always tell your billionaire friends that these rare boots are crafted from the skin of one of the heads of the Lernaean Hydra.
CORTHAY DOUBLE MONK-STRAP LEATHER SHOES $2100
If you trust yourself to buy shoes from a country that has given us Christian Louboutin as well as ASH, for just over two grand you can take home these bicolor monk-straps and safely ride your bicycle in the dark without having to worry about using reflective gear.
SALVATORE FERRAGAMO MONK-STRAP CAPTOE SHOES $2700
Black leather and buckles don’t always equal a Fifty Shades of Grey scenario. However, should you decide to bring a little kinkiness into your shoe closet, don’t miss on these Ferragamo monk straps. They’d pair wonderfully with this other leather accessory.
STEFANO RICCI SUEDE AND CROCODILE LOAFERS $3000
Loafers are having a moment right now, and you certainly cannot go wrong with these carta da zucchero casual loafers by Italian luxury brand Stefano Ricci. Besides exquisite crocodile details, these shoes feature galvanized palladium details. I Google’d it, but I wasn’t able to figure out what galvanized palladium is, although it seems to be just another word for “plated”, used by Italian luxury maisons who like highfalutin descriptions. If there is a goldsmith among us, please humor me.
BERLUTI LIZARD OXFORDS $5050
A staple in every Russian oligarch’s wardrobe, these oxford shoes in lizard leather are created from a single piece of hide, and have no visible seams. Do you have an idea how big a lizard we’re talking about here? If some hunter in Costa Rica has risked his life to hunt down Godzilla-like reptiles to satisfy your need for shoes crafted from sub-tropical animal skins, then you deserve to pay the ludicrous price tag.
Let us know in the comments if you’re the proud owner of any of these shoes, and please do comment leaving a link in case you are aware of even more amazing[ly ridiculous] deals we might have missed.
Arianna Reggio
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I’m all for the satire on some of the recent posts but “and it’s not that they resemble a vagina” strikes me as awfully crude.
But she’s specifically saying that they *don’t* resemble a vagina.
(I was more surprised by the link to the riding crop, though context did clue me in that it might be something of that nature.)
Some of these are absurdly ugly.